beanDating

I don't like first dates. There's enough pressure in my daily life. The last thing I want to do is dress up and have dinner with someone I don't know and be asked questions that might determine just how sane (or mental) I am... put your helmet on.

While we suffer through this formality I plan to order a meal I look forward to eating. I'm not getting water and a salad... I'm probably getting nachos and a beer. We can share, if you chew with your mouth closed and your hands don't gross me out. Wash them. I like to wear jeans and heels because I can walk in them. Chances are, if I said yes to this... you're tall and you're not a hundred years old. So this shouldn't be an issue.

There are women who date much older men in the hopes of being kept. I'll share the nachos but not a bank account. It's super cool that you have a job and bought a house. You only need to tell me once. I got it. Telling our waiter or the people sitting next to us will result in an emergency phone call that forces me to leave within the next few minutes.

Thank you to each of my friends who's performances have been oscar worthy... "Oh my God. Ok. I'm on my way". In a perfect world we go for drinks, he smells good and we end up dancing—with our friends.

He hates dancing? Not a problem. I know a bunch of other girls he can go out with. Confidence is someone who can't dance and does it anyways. You don't need to spend crazy amounts of money. I'd prefer that you don't. That way I'll feel less guilty if I don't end up liking you. A guy once took my photo (without my knowing) at the dinner table. He went on to text "I would" to his buddy but accidentally sent it to me. Complimentary maybe... but hard to recover from. If you're trying to freak me out and the place you've brought me to is fancy I'll have a glass of white wine (because my hands shake) and make nachos when I get home... Someone once assumed that my shaking was due to their handsomeness.

I don't particularly care where we go. I managed a club and I go out with friends enough to know where the exits are. I'm not above leaving through the kitchen. *I once fell for a guy who kept a gun in his glove compartment. It was one of those "less than lethal" firearms that are legal in Europe. That's what he said anyway. I feel as though that might have been a lie... but those were the days when nothing scared me. * Shout out to you Germany *

If we're on a date and I'm not speaking, it doesn't mean I hate you. Take this as a compliment. You're good looking and I'm so nervous that I've become paralyzed internally. It's just that I can't breathe. Pray for me. Being awkward isn't always a bad thing. Jokes about abduction and/ or being a killer... not so cute.  Lock you in the trunk of your car, if I have to! I asked (one of the hottest men I've ever known) for ID when I met him. To anyone who thinks "I could never do that"- you can. Look them in the eye, nod your head, extend your hand and say: " I'd like to see some ID please".

Turns out he actually works to protect the country... I wasn't about to take any chances. Don't bring up your ex, warn me that you're a player... The only thing you should be "playing" is your cards right. I was wearing clip-in hair extensions on a particularly bad date. I told him he was driving me crazy, looked up to God and slowly dragged them out. That'll scare any man. Even a hairdresser.

Desperate times... Don't ask me on a date if you plan to say ANYTHING like: "I'll get the cheque... this time". Or there won't be a next time. And if you go in for a kiss you better commit to it. I slapped a man who chickend out of a kiss he initiated on the dance floor, twice. 


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